Instant Intimacy

Gonna Getcha

I was only in California for one week in 2018 to legalize my separation when our daughter explained how she had booked three activities for this, the last weekend in November: She had got a scholarship to some sort of a love and intimacy weekend retreat  before she knew I would be in town and then she found out she had to go for a weekend campaign fundraiser for her job. “No Problem” I said “Can you give me the weekend love scholarship? Where is it?”

When I heard that it was in a campground north of Marin County I fretted about driving there So – ever competent my daughter – she called (on her own without even explaining to me) and asked for a ride from Davis to the retreat.

I wasn’t thinking much about the idea – in fact I was shopping at the dollar store for dinner and stuff to take back to France with me (I got some awesome face cream and an annual calendar) when my cell phone rang the day before the workshop.

I answered to “Hi this is Greg, and I was asked by Sheila herself to call you and offer you a ride to the HAI meeting”

I calculated fast and bumbled out “UUUhn. Oh, you mean this weekend retreat. Do you live in Davis? Who’s Sheila?”

“Yes, but I didn’t list myself as being available to carpool because I thought we all might need the alone time and I didn’t want to force conversation on anyone.”

“No worries, I can ride quietly in the back seat if you want. I haven’t absolutely decided I’m going – my daughter is gifting me this retreat.”

“Oh – so you don’t really know what the retreat is about?”

“Love somehow?? Can I camp there?” I bumbled along

“Well yes. Why don’t you talk to your daughter and if you decide to go you will have to bring your own towel, sleeping bag and air mattress if you wanna camp? I can fit them all in my car that is not a problem.”

“Okay I’ll call this evening. What time would we leave tomorrow?”

“I could pick you up at one pm so we could get there by 4 ….its a long drive”

Now I was getting both excited and scared. God knew I didn’t really want to spend the weekend chilling with my ex but the family I was staying with were looking forward to socializing with me and I had old friends I wanted to see as well.

Talking to daughter over supper with ex decided me. We all got along well, and it was as if nothing had ever happened since he had kicked me out of his home. She explained that she didn’t know much about this HAI retreat, but she had done a warm up thing with her boyfriend and there had been a lot of looking into each other’s eyes and touching each other’s cheeks and stuff……….OK well it would certainly be an adventure! And so VERY Californian Hippy Dippy. I decided I could try it.

I called Greg back and we set up our meeting – over at the car rental actually – where I was renting a car for Sadie to drive down to her work engagement. We carried the air mattress and the sleeping bag and my clothes for the weekend and off we went.

Greg turned out to be a sort of shy, but attractive, older man who still had blond hair after retiring as a dentist. He and his wife had been divorced for several years and he had an on-and-off type girl-friend but he talked about the birth of his first grandchild, and his ailing mother as we drove through California. He too grew up in New York State, but he had moved to California as a young adult and lived there his whole career.

When I told him in the present continuous tense “I am leaving my husband” he thought I meant that in the near future tense – same words different meaning. Based on context. After a full day at the workshop I figured this missed communication out.

Somewhere along the ride down, Greg mentioned that this retreat became ‘clothing optional’ half-way through the second day. OyVAY! I told him I would NOT be taking off my clothes but that I had forgot my swimsuit, so I wouldn’t even be able to use the hot tub. He seemed a tiny bit disappointed – but I didn’t let that worry me – he was a perfect gentleman, and clearly a kind, interesting man.

We talked about how for, young women anyway, we agreed that being polyamorous could be a sign of their boyfriend not being in love enough with them. We talked about divorce. We talked about living alone and how it really is okay and he enjoyed it and I craved it. Despite all my fun tales of adventure from my nomadic life, I confessed to him how very worn out and raw I was feeling. He commiserated.

And finally, we got there. Near the shores of Clear Lake, the venue was a beautiful place nestled into the dry hills of northern California. It had a huge common room, another building that was a dormitory and awesome dining room and some cabins that couples had rented to sleep in. There was also a yurt but it was far from any toilet facility.  I decided to set up my sleeping arrangement in the common room.

I went for a walk and had to climb a hill from the camp ground to find phone reception and when I sent pictures to Sarah and the friend I was staying with; the former was happy for me and the latter said if I was too scared she would come and get me. I thanked her but figured I could make it through the first night anyway.

I was the only one who smoked in the whole group of 25 or so people and there was no wine with dinner…..bummer.

We gathered in the common hall, which was very warm indeed. It turned out the workshop was the introductory course in the field of ‘Love, Intimacy and Sexuality’. We were asked to take off our shoes and socks before we entered. Of course, the first thing was to introduce ourselves, explain why were there and tell our biggest hope and fear for the workshop; even just doing that got me crying. I told everyone that I wasn’t at all in the mood to talk about sexuality at that time, but I needed honesty and intimacy, and I would try to stick with it; for the first night anyway.

We had to go around the circle and look deeply into everyone’s eyes and say “I love you. You’re beautiful. Thanks for sharing” OH MY GOD…..I was just effing weeping after two people. I HATED it! But I didn’t want to be anti-social. Then we chose a partner to work with for the whole workshop – of course Greg and I chose each other because we knew each other a tiny bit. I was frankly a bit scared of him being attracted to me….but there was very little choice after all.

There were not a lot of single people there – most people came as a couple – and all the single people were much younger than I – except Greg. It was weird actually – like the fates had meant to set us up somehow. A few of the young women were really obese; but I still felt too old to be at a clothing-optional get-together. And I didn’t want to look at a bunch of naked men either.

Before dinner people were invited to stand up and share why they were there in more depth and front of everyone if they wanted to. One young man got up and cried about his recent divorce and how he missed his wife and felt unattractive and thought he could never love anyone again etc. Some younger people stood up and talked about mild sexual shaming (nobody told of rape or anything too heavy, just parents who judged them, early gay curiosity, or high school in-crowd shaming stuff).

Dinner was fabulous and fun and everyone was friendly and chatty. After dinner they went to dance in the hall but I didn’t join them. I really wanted to go hide alone so I went out and skinny dipped alone in the hot tub even though it was really cold. I hid in the dark and told no one and looked at the sky (pitch black) until it rained again. It was a beautiful place and I decided to go try my bed but it quickly became clear – that a: I would have trouble setting up the air mattress and b: they would be partying pretty late. So I paid the extra $35 for a dormitory bed despite the fact that I snore sometimes.

Next morning, I was awake and hungry for breakfast – jet lag heading west generally makes me hungry and heading east generally takes away my appetite. I was enthusiastic about breakfast. There was a young Turkish man there who lives and works in the silicone valley and I wanted to talk to him. Somehow that lead painlessly back to the meeting room.

We started with the going around the circle staring into each other’s eyes and this time we were to gently stroke each other’s faces while we told them we loved them. We made groups of four – which were not to include our original ‘buddy’ (honestly a bit of a relief for me) and we talked about our first sexual experiences. Mine was easy and nobody in my group was much more complicated – one couple had fallen in love in college but broken up and she had played the field for a while before they got back together but it was all okay…..I guess that was the point of the exercise. To point out that there is nothing to be ashamed off. Nobody needs to judge anybody about their sexual history.

Before lunch we did more large circle dances and greetings. And then the clothing optional exercise where everyone stood in the full circle and took off our clothes. Not surprisingly it was not the least bit sexual for me and I just wanted to put my clothes back on. Which I did before lunch. It was cold outside so those who knew the ropes had brought house dresses to put on to go over to the dining room…..but not me. I put on my winter coat and went outside and had a cigarette.

After lunch we sat with new partners in a very intimate position on the floor with our legs straddling the other (but if one of the people was naked we didn’t sit like that). The mantra they kept repeating was that we had to stay at our ‘yes point’ meaning that if we didn’t want to do something we didn’t have to. First, we sat with a partner who was not of our choosing – I sat with the divorced Filipino and talked about why we thought we would not be of that person’s choosing. He said – unbidden – “you might be fine to choose” and when I didn’t understand he said “I’m sorry that was inappropriate”. It had been inappropriate too – because I had been busy talking about how he was the age of my kids and stuff.

Then we chose a partner of our own gender and we each shared the meanest somebody of our own gender had been to us. It was my Mom and her father’s sisters who had let us down when we were kids. Then we took turns playing the role of mother after this intimate ‘un-loading’ and apologized for their moms. So, I told how mom had beaten us often from a position of blind rage and how I would not forgive her – particularly for how badly I had watched her beat my little sister. Then the woman I was partnered with – much younger than me; but very busty so she felt really maternal – hugged me to her shoulder and told me I hadn’t deserved that; and nobody should do that; and on behalf of my mother she was very sorry. I cried a lot and it did reduce some burden. First though, I had done the same for my partner because of her teasing aunts making her feel bad when they made fun of her about growing boobs. She didn’t cry – I did.

Next, we partnered with someone from the opposite sex and I got to partner with the Turkish guy. He too went first and told me that his first girl friend and been unfair in breaking up with him so that he thought mostly women just liked him for his money. I hugged him to my shoulder and told him that not all women were like that and that 0n behalf of his girlfriend I was very sorry for him she shouldn’t have done that. Then I told him that my dad had gone and died on me when I was 15 and that I had trouble forgiving him for that. The Turk then hugged me to his shoulder and the fact that he had a full beard (like my dad) added to the magic of his role-play “on behalf of your father I’m sorry that he died and left you with no dad to take care of you”…..I cried again, but it was a good sob.

That evening there was a talent show after dinner and me and the Filipino sang ‘Amazing Grace together’ He was very good and we had fun – we are both catholic and both love that song.

It got silly though all fun; still after dinner I went to hide again and I vowed (again) that the next day I would not partake in the foolishness. My raw exhaustion was not getting better!

But the next morning we had bacon and omelet for breakfast and everybody was joking, and one woman told me about a love triangle that was developing amongst the ‘polyamorous’ crowd at the place.  Some of the couples who were closer to my age took on a bit of a protective stance towards me – ‘you deserve to have a husband who really loves you and values your intimacy’ type stuff. So back in I went to the club house…….

It must have been on Sunday morning that we actually discussed being naked with each other (with our buddies – meaning me and Greg) I sorta bowed out around then but then the directors of the program (a man and a woman) each gave a live description of their genitals. Complete with lights and magnifying glasses……….It wasn’t me so it didn’t bother me much. Nothing terribly new – but I’ve taken care of many a naked baby.

Then we got together in new groups of four and had a wordless lunch followed by a wordless ‘sacred show” – our particular group kept our underwear on as all four of us showered together. It was weird enough to be embarrassing but not magical in any way (at least not for me).

Anyway by Sunday afternoon we got together with our shower groups and did butterfly wing massages of one person at a time – given by three of us at a time.

Then we had one more total circle experience and said good-bye.

We were all really nice to each other at the end and it felt very sad to say good-bye I wanted to get everybody’s email address and stay in touch. But I haven’t really done so.

All in all It became clear to me how much we all needed the intimacy before we return to our work lives without any intimacy at all. Americans are very good at being buddy colleagues but not so good at real friends. So this was like a microwave over (as opposed to a regular slow cooker) for making real friends . They try to keep in touch but I can’t have much to do with that because I am in France…

Anyway that’s my story and I’m sticking with it. One couple who live in Woodland and Greg are still in touch a bit with me.

I feel like if Lew and I had gone together we might have saved our marriage – but if I think I’m shy I can’t imagine Lew partaking in this stuff at all.

Nevermind – all shall be well.